Sword Art Online II Ep. 22: Talking heads

Here comes the waterworks…

– Asuna’s pretty worked up about a girl she barely knows or has spent any time with. It’s not like they were ever close friends. Hell, it’s not like they were even friends. They did a single raid together, and… honestly, that was it. That was really it. Nevertheless, Asuna currently shows more passion about this than, y’know, fixing her messed up life in the real world.

– Oops, silly me forgot that VRMMOs are the equivalent of Facebook. And beating a raid boss with a friend must be like Farmville or something! And likewise, you would care a lot about that one girl you spent one day playing Farmville wit–… wait, no, that doesn’t make sense either. Darn!

– Haha, look at Asuna’s passive-aggressive bullshit: “If I’m a bother to you, I’ll leave you alone.” I always have to roll my eyes when I hear this sort of thing.

– But to be fair, Yuuki and her friends didn’t handle this very well either. Disappearing without saying a word is just immature and inviting drama for the sake of drama. I’m sure Asuna wishes Yuuki could just open up to her. When you care about someone — when you are truly concerned about them — you just want to know how they’re feeling, if they’re okay, if they are coping, etc. I mean, just look! Just look at Asuna! She’s all torn up over this, and it’s all because her supposed friends has decided to disappear without saying a word! Thank God Yuuki is just some internet friend. Could you imagine how much worse Asuna would feel if Yuuki was like… a daughter? Could you imagine if Asuna had known Yuuki for like… oh, I don’t know… eighteen years and the girl just decided to disappear on her? Disappearing without a word really tears the other person up, because not only do they not get closure, they have to live in fear and uncertainty. It’s just so unfair to Asuna that this has to happen to her.

– Back in the real world…!

– Asuna comes down and sees her parents eating at the dinner table. She decides to “disappear” from the house without even saying a word to either of them. Oh, I’m sure they don’t need to know a damn thing about their daughter anyway. And how long have they been together? All of Asuna’s life? Uh, that’s just real life, okay? Her mom barely even knows her! It’s not like they’ve ever done a raid together, pfft. Her mom doesn’t care about Asuna or her future anyway! If she did, she’d totally approve of Asuna getting with that cute boi in all black clothes. Most of all, I doubt her mom is even torn up about any of this. It’s not like she’s a grown woman or anything, so she has full control of her emotions. Yeah, Asuna! Just leave without saying a word! Stick it to your parents!

– Meanwhile, Kirito’s busy playing with his daughter. Isn’t she cute?

– Somehow, the Gary Stu knows how to locate Yuuki in the real world. Even then, isn’t this a violation of her privacy? If she really wants to keep Asuna away, maybe Kirito should mind his damn business.

– Asuna: “Even so, I want to see Yuuki and talk to her again, no matter what.” Sorry, but this reaction from her just doesn’t make any goddamn sense. If they had spent more time together — if they had actually been friends for a long time — I could understand this. But they did one raid, man. One raid. How do we go from one raid and one party to “I NEED TO TALK TO HER AGAIN NO MATTER WHAT!!!” She’s acting as if she just got dumped.

– Kirito then hands Asuna a note that will supposedly lead the girl right Yuuki… in the real world. First, wow, what a small world! Second, holy shit, how did the Gary Stu even manage to stumble upon this information? Wait, I don’t want to know. Just go back to playing with your virtual daughter.

– On a more serious note, the anime implies that our Gary Stu had put two and two together, and thus came to the conclusion that Yuuki is undergoing some clinical trials for something called “Medicuboid.” But is this honestly more believable than the idea that Kirito is some weirdo pervert who stalks every cute girl he sees?

– Asuna shows up to this place, and a doctor simply reveals all sorts of personal information about Yuuki to our heroine, including his patient’s family name. But it’s okay! He hasn’t violated any sort of patient-doctor confidentiality agreement! Y’see, Yuuki just knew that Asuna would track her down somehow in the real world. I mean, that is some creepy-ass shit right there, but since Asuna was going to locate her anyway, Yuuki was like, “Yo, if this stalker of mine shows up, just tell her everything.”

– Why? Why can’t I see her?!@!@!!!@ Um, you’re a smart girl, right? Haven’t you noticed that you’re talking to a doctor? Haven’t you noticed that the girl is undergoing clinical trials? Psst, she’s dying…

– Awwwww yeeeeeeeah, exposition about the Medicube-thingamajig! That’s what I watch Sword Art Online for! Exposition about made-up technology!

– Metal Gear Boring, take 1:

“It is the first Medical Full Dive System!”
“Medical Full Dive System?!”
“Give it a rest, Snake. Do you have to repeat everything I say in a question?”

– The doctor says all this weird, inhuman stuff, and Asuna’s initial response is, “That sounds like a true dream machine!” Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, I sure would love to have a machine hooked up to every single section of my nervous system.

– Metal Gear Boring, take 2:

It’s only good for terminal care.
Terminal care?!
Dammit, Snake!

– Man, if these two characters are just going to sit in a room and talk for the rest of the episode, I’ll just do the same thing for this post.

Somewhere in a deluded mind far, far away…

Thought process no.1: We make her terminally ill!

Thought process no.2: Hm, nah, that’s not sad enough. How do we make this even sadder? I want sadness porn, man. I want dirty, raunchy sadness porn!

1: …

2: …

1: …what if we give her AIDS?

2: Oooh… wait. Just look at Magic Johnson. He’s doing just fine with AIDS!

1: He’s super rich, though.

2: We’re in the future, buddy. They probably expect drugs in the future to do a better job combating AIDS.

1: Fine, let’s give her a drug-resistant variant of HIV!

2: Hm, maybe. I don’t know, though… I just don’t know. Is this really sad enough? I mean, I really want to jerk peoples tears. I really want to make them feel so sad, they’ll be too numb to criticize anything.

1: …

2: …

1: Okay, what if we say this… her mother even thought about aborting her children at one point!

2: Children? You mean Yuuki has a sibling?

1: Yeah, why else would she keep referring to Asuna as her sis? But get this. She doesn’t just have a sibling. She has a sick elder twin! Yeah, elder twin.

2: That means…

1:  Yuuki is the sick imouto!

2: Mmm… mmmm…! Sorry, just thinking of a sick imouto made me wet myself a little. But seriously, why didn’t I think of putting a sick imouto into the story earlier?!

1: Sick imoutos don’t usually have large racks.

2: Oh yeah. And Leafa’s the designated big-boobed girl of the harem. What a waste. She could’ve been the sick imouto.

1: We could still give Kirito a long lost sister one day.

2: Yeah, probably, but let’s get back to Yuuki for now. Tell me more about her.

1: …

2: …

1: Let’s say she had to take a lot of drugs as a kid…

2: Uh-huh, uh-huh.

1: …and oh, the kids at school totally bullied her! For having AIDS!

2: Kids can be so cruel…

1: I know. But still, the sick imouto had hope! That’s what you do! You give them hope–…

2: …then you crush it!

1: Exactly! But despite everything–…

2: …the sick imouto kept smiling!

1: And she decided to become a test subject, because virtual reality is just so cool. You can have sex in it and every–

2: We probably shouldn’t talk about sex with the sick imouto, though. Just leave that up to the doujins.

1: Yeah. They’ll take care of that for us. They’ll probably come up with some stupid plot like, “Oh, you don’t know what sex is like, so the Gary Stu can show you!”

2: Well, I mean, it is a doujin.

1: Anyway, since then, Yuuki has spent 99% of her time in the virtual world.

2: Well, who would blame her! Her real world sucks!

1: It’s like this, basically. Asuna and her idiot friends were only trapped in Aincrad because of some murderous idio–…

2: Tsk tsk, did you forget that we decided to make Kayaba into an inspiring figure?

1: Oh, yeah, you’re right. Trapping 10,000 people in a game was totally the right move.

2: But yeah, go on with what you were saying.

1: Yuuki traps herself in the virtual world on purpose. She has to. It’s by necessity.

2: Damn, that’s deep.

1: I know. And this entire time, Yuuki is watching Asuna from the virtual world.

2: Oh?

1: She wants to know what Asuna’s reaction will be.

2: Why’s that?

1: Yuuki wants to know how Asuna would cope with this tragedy, ’cause get this: the rest of her family are already dead.

2: So she’s all alone?

1: Yep. That’s why she fears rejection. Hey, what are you doing?

2: I’m already storyboarding the scene. During it, we’ll keep cutting back to Yuuki’s skeletal body. It’ll really drive home the sadness porn.

1: Good idea.

2: Then Asuna will cry, right? ‘Cause at some point, it just gets so sad…

1: I’m a little disturbed that you have a hard-on as you say that.

2: But dude, it’s so sad!

1: Yeah, it’s sad.

2: And then Yuuki jumps in and cheers Asuna up! She’ll just talk through the speakers or something. We’ll flash the words “Talking” onscreen for the people who are too slow to catch on.

1: Yuuki really is a tough cookie, huh?

2: Then Asuna will hurriedly log into ALO to talk to Yuuki.

1: How?

2: The doctor has a computer nearby. How else would he interact with her?

1: Ah, duh. I’m just stupid.

2: But like I was saying, this is what it’s all about. We’re giving our heroine a reason to embrace the virtual world no matter what her mother says.

1: Oh, I get where you’re going with this! This totally gives Asuna a great reason to keep doing what she’s doing. If her mom is ever like, “Asuna, when are you going to take your life seriously?!” Asuna can come back with, “Mom, I’m helping someone who has AIDS. Did you hear that? AIDS. I don’t have time to deal with your bullshit right now! Literally AIDS. Ugh, I can’t even!”

2: Haha, yeah, Asuna’s mom totally needs to check her privilege.

1: So what happens after Asuna logs in?

2: Asuna gets that determined look on her face, right? And she’ll take off flying so that she can meet Yuuki.

1: That’s some touching Titanic shit right there.

2: And when she gets there, Asuna will find out that the other members of the guild will die too.

1: Gotta keep driving up that sadness factor.

2: Yep. Then Yuuki will reveal to Asuna her one true wish.

1: Oh yeah?

2: She’ll want to go to school. Every dumbass anime character wants to go to school.

1: You’re right! No matter what story it is, these characters will always wish to have a shining high school life!

2: It’s just hard to move on from those years. Being an adult sucks, so we just want to go back to when times were simpler.

1: Yeah, especially if your high school years were especially bad. Anime is like… a second chance at it.

2: Yep. This time, you’re the popular kid who gets all the hot chicks.

1: Yeah…

2: Oh, and this entire time, there won’t be an evil mom around to pull the plug! There’s just the nice doctor on the outside.

1: Well, he is in charge of this cutting edge technology, after all.

2: Hey, you know who else is working on cutting edge technology?

1: …the Gary Stu!

2: The doctor helps terminal patients live full lives in the virtual world…

1: …and now, the Gary Stu will help these terminal patients experience the real world with that creepy thing he’s doing with his e-daughter!

2: Man, it all comes back to the Gary Stu in the end.

1: Well, it has to.

2: So in a way, the doctor is just a glimpse into what Kirito will become?

1: Basically.

2: And Asuna’s mom is…

1: …obviously what Asuna will become if she doesn’t stand up to her mom.

2: Heh, men rules…

1: …and women drools.

2: Y-you know me so well!

1: It’s ’cause I’m you, silly!

2: We’re both hack writers…

1: …together!

2: Wait, we just spent the rest of this post talking in a room.

1: It’s okay. They’re too busy crying to notice anyway.

2: That’s why we call it emotionally manipulative!

1: Haha, yeah, this shit lets us get away with anything.

2: And if we act as though we know ahead of time what sort of criticism they’ll lob at us…

1: …we can then pretend that the criticism has been invalidated!

2: Genius!