Sword Art Online II Ep. 11: More talk, more butts

Sigh. Man, all of a sudden, it feels as though I’ve aged a thousand years. Oh, what’s that? It’s another episode of Sword Art Online II. Yip…pee…

– I thought that maybe we had moved on. It’s a new week, a new episode, a new start. Why not let bygones be bygones and put the past behind us, right? Wrong. This sappy scene is still continuing.

– WOMAN, PLEASE, I HAVEN’T GOTTEN OVER ANYTHING. I STILL HAVE NIGHTMARES!!!

– I just don’t understand how they can afford to sit there and talk about this shit. I thought we were in the middle of both a tournament and a mission. Like fine, if this conversation had taken place outside of BoB and maybe even GGO as well, it would make some sense. I’m not against characters talking about their feelings. I praised Tokyo Ghoul for focusing on Ken’s feelings. I just don’t think yet another discussion about Kirito’s goddamn trauma. Shit, we spent an entire episode on it. But more importantly, Death Gun is still out there. He can still kill people. I thought our “heroes” wanted to stop him and save lives. So why are we just sitting here, talking about our feelings?

– And again, it’s stupid how the two of them can just hide out in this cave, and it’s magically safe to do so because the satellites can’t see them. So how many of these “save spots” exist out there on this map? It was bad enough Kirito could just strip naked and avoid detection in the river, but this is so much worse because at least he was vulnerable doing that.

There’s no risk here! How many asshole contestants can just extend this game indefinitely by camping out in some cave for however long they want? Oh wait, lemme guess: Kirito’s the only genius in this entire game to think of hiding out in some cave, right? I just think the entire idea of Kirito and Sinon sitting on their asses, having all the time in the world to “recover” and talk about their feelings is incredibly ludicrous. This isn’t just some hastily thrown-together, amateur tournament. This is supposedly one of the biggest e-sport event in SAO‘s universe. This isn’t even the first BoB tournament. And yet, if Kirito and Sinon really wanted to, they could honestly just hide out in this cave until most of their competitors have died. Fucking skills, son! I totally proved I’m the best PvPer in the land by hiding! But really, if you’re going to write about MMOs, esports, and online gaming in general, for the love of God, get a fucking clue about them. Seriously.

– Kirito tells Sinon that he’ll never forget the faces and voices of the people he’s killed. Sinon then wonders, “What do I do?” I don’t know…? Get therapy? Stop trying to use an MMO as a form of exposure therapy? Don’t fall in love with the Gary Stu? Don’t mind me… I’m just throwing random things out there.

– Our Gary Stu then goes on and on about how he thinks it is necessary to never forget: “Doing that is the bare minimum of atonement I can do.” What atonement? This is so needlessly dramatic, and this applies to the fucking both of them. Believe me, I’m not the first person to defend the Gary Stu, but he killed a bunch of people who took joy in killing innocents. Laughing Coffin was a bunch of asshole PKers. Yeah, it sucks to have to take a life, but he did what he had to do to prevent more from dying. So y’know what? He should actually be proud of himself. That’s the hilarious thing about this whole thing! He should be proud that he had protected other people by taking out a bunch of irredeemable PKers. But I guess praise has become too passé for the Gary Stu. He’s bored of praise. He knows what really moves the hearts of the people, and that’s pity. Oh, woe unto me! I have killed (a bunch of evil bastards). Give me your pity, for I am a wretched murderer!

– What’s even sadder is that you can’t even compare his trauma to Sinon. Look man, he killed people in an MMO. So what happens when you kill someone in an MMO? They just disappear into thin air right? Right, because it’s an MMO. Yes, his victims died in real life, but it’s not like Kirito had to sit there and watch them bleed to death. It’s not like he had to listen to their death rattle. It’s not like he had to see his victims’ eyes stare back at him as life ebbed slowly out of them. That’s not the case for Sinon. She had to actually watch someone die right in front of her. The two situations aren’t even really all that comparable. I know the show wants to be all, “MMOs are just as important as the real world!” But I watched the first season. People did not die in gruesome, bloody ways. They just disappeared. There’s no visceral quality to death within the games whatsoever. So y’know, I can somewhat understand Sinon’s trauma, but fuck Kirito. It feels like he only even has any trauma so we can get on this trauma train, and ride it all the way to motherfucking Pitysexville. Baby, baby, please… I too know what it’s like… let’s fuck.

– After the opening, we’re still in a cave. Fuck me, man… In fact, Sinon’s head is back in Kirito’s lap. Whoo, the taming of the tsunderekko is complete. Trust me, I would never let some girl put her head in my lap when I have a girlfriend.

– Sinon: “Death Gun… Whoever is wearing that cape is a real person, who actually exists, aren’t they?” Thanks for this stunning conclusion.

– The anime keeps panning to this red-colored pool, because it’s like, “Shit, what do we even have to pan to? It’s a cave! Go back to the pool!”

– So Kirito and Sinon are just sitting there, wondering how Death Gun is managing to kill people by simply shooting them–… are you serious? Are you fucking serious? Somehow, Sinon’s ass gives the Gary Stu an epiphany.

– Yeah, yeah, Death Gun can only kill people by getting to them in the real world. We all came to this conclusion episodes ago. B-b-but how does Death Gun know where to find his victims? Why, at the governor general’s office, of course! Remember? You can enter in your name and address in order to receive a cash prize from BoB should you manage to win the whole thing! For some reason, Sinon initially thinks it is impossible that Death Gun could’ve stolen people’s sensitive information this way. Yo, the dude has an invisibility cape.

– But man, this just brings up yet another stupid thing about the MMO in this universe, and that is how they submitted sensitive information like their address by going to a terminal within the game. Like really? You couldn’t do this in a more secure way like say visiting a site outside the game where it’s harder for people to spy on you? You really had to go to some location within GGO? The whole setup for this universe is stupid. Like yeah, I can understand making certain things realistic to add to the immersion of the world. For instance, I’m currently playing an MMO where a cow mount will also take dumps in the middle of the road, and if player characters try to pick up the cow shit, they can pass out from the stink. It’s silly, but it harmlessly adds to the immersion of the MMO. Meanwhile, there’s absolutely no good reason why anyone should ever have to enter in their real world information by logging into GGO, walking to some terminal, and physically typing out their name and address. This is something that could have and should have been handled outside the game, but again, the writer doesn’t seem to give a shit about the logistics of MMOs, esports, and how the two of them should realistically operate. It’s all contrived bullshit to create his ludicrous story.

– More unnecessary shots of Sinon’s ass. Even A-1 Pictures is like, “Man, this scene sucks donkey balls. The viewers are going to be bored if we keep panning back to that pool, so let’s just stare at the girl’s ass.”

– But Sinon’s ass isn’t big enough for how long and boring this scene is, so sadly, we must inevitably return… to the pool! But there’s a lizard this time! And yes, by staring at the lizard‘s ass and noticing that the animal has two tails, Kirito comes to yet another brilliant epiphany: Death Gun is really a multi-person operation! Gaaaaasssssssp! I never knew asses could be so inspiring! SAO II and the magical asses that could!

– Double Death Gun? What does that mean…?! P-plus, how can the killers just break into someone’s home and kill them? Well duh, our victims thus far have been MMO nerds living by themselves. Oh no, who else lives by herself!

– It really does make you wonder why these headsets are so… well, unsafe. You’re completely unconscious in the real world when you log into any of these VRMMOs. People can literally break into your home and do whatever they want, and it’s unlikely you’d realize the predicament that you’re in. Why is there not some sort of detection system so that if you’re in game, you will be alerted if there’s any noise or movement around you in the real world? Or maybe just set up a camera feed, so that you can always check your surroundings while you’re in-game.

– Sinon’s only purpose in this entire scene is to offer up weak ass refutations to Kirito’s theories that the Gary Stu can easily shoot down.

– Haha, look at this corny ass shit.

– Guys, guys! What if doing the cross motion is just a way for Death Gun to check his watch? In other news, why does he even need to wear a watch? Even the most ratchet MMO out there has a clock built into the UI. BUT NOT GGO, DAWG! THIS IS THE REALEST MMO OUT THERE. YOU WANNA KNOW THE TIME? YOU BETTER WEAR A WATCH! IMMERSION, BITCHES.

– Kirito asks Sinon if she lives alone. Yeah, but the door’s locked! Oh no, the chain! The chain! Fuuuuuuuuuck. Kirito speculates that Death Gun’s partner could very well be in Sinon’s room right now! No, like right now! He (or she!… nah, who am I kidding, the major villain is always a woman in SAO) is just waiting for the go-ahead to kill Sinon! So this is where the girl disqualifies herself from the BoB tournament, logs out of the game, and makes sure she’s safe, right? Right? I mean, you can’t tell me some dinky esports tournament is more important than your fucking life, right?

– Uh, why did the anime just cut to this? Well, to be honest, this is the most action I’ve seen so far in this week’s episode.

– So Sinon starts freaking out and her heart rate goes up. Kirito then goes, “No, Sinon! If you automatically log out now, you’ll be in danger.” Uh, why? First, he doesn’t really  have any proof that the bad guy is already in Sinon’s room. Second, if they have a rule that they stick to so badly — and the rule is that the Death Gun won’t kill someone unless they can do it in-game and in the real world at the same time — then why would logging out be any less safe than staying logged in while your body remains unconscious in front of some asshole?

– Well, it’s time for a change of scenery, so let’s check up on Kirito’s harem! And guess what? They’re still watching the BoB feed even though nothing — absolutely nothing — is happening! Anyway, you know Kirito’s employer? The guy who recruited our Gary Stu into this whole mess? Yeah, he actually shows up at this bar to talk to the characters. No, you can’t log out and meet each other in real life. It’s much easier if the government official logs into his elf character to discuss these very important matters.

– The best part about this scene? It contains absolutely nothing new. This Chrys guy is just telling Kirito’s harem exactly what we had learned in the first goddamn episode. Would it have been too difficult for the anime to treat us to a time skip?

– More importantly, why is a government official even answering these kids‘ questions? So what if Kirito’s harem is oh-so-concerned for their Gary Stu? Like seriously, just because they demand to know what’s going on doesn’t mean he should actually tell them details about an active investigation. It’s just not how this sort of thing works. This is not how any of this works.

– Oh my God, this is all old information. Leafa is now telling us how scared her brother looked last night. But we just saw this episode a few weeks ago!

Do I really need a reminder already? SAO‘s pacing sucks ass. It’s so goddamn amateurish. Just random recaps and flashbacks for no apparent reason!

– Klein tells himself that he would’ve converted to GGO if he had known what Kirito was up to. Yo, you think the Gary Stu wants your ass around, stealing the spotlight?

– So after an extensive recap of the situation for no apparent reason, the characters have proceeded to suck the Gary Stu’s dick. The haremettes are all shedding tears, moaning on and on about how heroic Kirito is. Uguu, he didn’t tell us ’cause he wanted to protect us! What a manly Gary Stu!

– Lisbeth: “In fact, he’s probably protecting someone who’s supposed to be his enemy right now.” Really? Really?

– Asuna demands to know where Kirito’s body is currently located. And of course, the government official will spill the beans because why wouldn’t he! This anime babe in ALO is just so intimidating! So intimidating!!! Look how she stomped her foot and made dust kick up! Bwaaaah, don’t hurt me, little girl! I’ll tell you everything about the investigation, including the location of my agent!

– But oh god, Asuna’s going to now rush to Kirito’s side and just wait for him to log out, huh?

– Yes, yes she is. Action heroine Asuna was first reduced to a bird in a cage, and now this. Oh man… then when we move onto the next arc, Sinon can be just as useless as well!

– Alright, now that we’ve figured out what Asuna’s going to do for Kirito, let’s revisit the Gary Stu! Oh, there he is! He’s just embracing another girl!

– So what’s Kirito’s plan? It’s so easy! They just have to defeat Death Gun: “Then his partner will disappear, unable to do anything.” ‘Cause look, if I see my partner-in-crime about to die in-game, which doesn’t mean anything anymore because this isn’t Aincrad, I, too, would just disappear like a fart in the wind. I wouldn’t try to kill you! I wouldn’t think to do anything at all! I would just leave this defenseless girl lying there in her bed, every strand of hair untouched! But so help me God, if you log out before you defeat Death Gun, then I will kill you! Yeah, yeah, this logic makes perfect sense.

– The truth is, this is all just contrived bullshit to keep Sinon logged in at all costs. The tsunderekko is never allowed to leave the Gary Stu’s side! But shh, this can be a secret between the anime, my readers, and me.

– So what now? They’re going to leave the cave and prepare to defeat Death Gun, right? Wrong. They will sit there and discuss how formidable Death Gun is.

– Sinon then warns Kirito that other players will soon realize that the two of them are hiding out in this cave. So I guess there’s only one fucking desert cave, and everyone’s closing in on them.

– Kirito then has to fucking tell the girl that she’s a sniper, so she should stay out of sight during the actual battle. Good lord.

– Oh look, the live broadcast camera has found our two lovebirds. I hope Kirito’s haremettes are watching.

– B-baby, please! When I’m in GGO, it’s all about you! Actually, Kirito’s only response is, “Hurr, people will think we’re lesbos!” But our tsunderekko doesn’t mind, because this means less people will pursue her! Wouldn’t want others to get in the way of her love for the Gary Stu!

– They’re still talking! For the love of God, do something with the one minute of runtime you have left in the episode!

– These two are so boring, the live broadcast camera literally left.

– The characters wonder what Sterben means as a name, then the episode just… sort of ends. Not with a bang, but not even with a whimper either. The episode is just over. Whatever.

– Another week, another boring episode of SAO full of pointless chatter. And people think this season is superior to the first one. I’d take the first season’s uninspired world-building over this train wreck any day of the week.